Sunday, July 20, 2014

The Loss Of Myself And The Celebration Of Another Year Of Life

As I've grown older it's been easier to accept, and celebrate, my birthday.  This birthday, my fifty-first, I am celebrating with an ice cream cake provided by my Mom - a delicious ice cream cake I might add.

As I've gotten older I have tried to accept the changes that come with age.  Unexpected aches and pains in places I didn't know I had resulting from activity that I've done hundreds of times before without consequence.  You start to understand all about the products that are advertised for that group that you will never belong to, senior citizens.  With acceptance of the aging process has come a greater acceptance of birthdays.  It is not always easy though.

There is one thing that I'm having a difficult time accepting.  My reaction to it often results in arguments, embarrassment, and hours of stewing.  I have difficulty accepting memory loss.

I have encounters holes in my memory.  Some large (whole concerts, whole streets, forgotten) and some small (conversations that I would never forget, forgotten).  My reaction every time is the same - confusion, denial, anger, and fear - for what are we but accumulated memories and when a memory dies, does not part of us die with it?

How do you know when you have forgotten something?  For me is seems to always involve the Wife who always gets the raw end of my denial and anger.  It is embarrassing for me but even more so for the Wife when my existential crisis blows up in public like it did just a couple weeks ago in front of her family.  I am sorry to the Wife and her family for the discomfort and embarrassment I caused.

Perhaps in time I will learn to accept my memory loss as well and put it all in a safe place.  Until that time arrives I will have to be careful how I react to my loss ... and have me another piece of ice cream cake.

P.S.  Thank you to everyone who have sent their birthday wishes and cards.  Thank you to the Wife for the delicious cupcakes.  Thank you to mom for the delicious ice cream cake.


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